Mummagrizzlybear found this observation a little bitter.
It came into my awareness innocently enough, but the more I thought about it, the more sense I made of it. I remember once being told that the very things that irritate you about another person, may well be the very things that annoy you most about yourself, if you first allow yourself to look that honestly at you. I’d found a few occasions where this had materialised to be quite true when it comes to friends or relatives that had pushed my buttons – they were probably being a lot like me, or saying the things I’d have said or simply showing a side of them I found less attractive. We all have those sides. My unattractive qualities make a depressing read. Even my children have at (shittier) times been described as ‘just like’ (mum or dad – delete as necessary!)
So when I noticed my internal sulk over things recently having not quite met my expectation, I got to thinking, how often I explain away my babybears’ (less than delightful) behaviour on account of his experiences having not met his expectations.
With PDA in our house we notice the huge need for ‘things’ to remain in the control of the pda’er. Everything has to fall in line with how he expects it to go and where possible should be exactly as it once was before or at least how he envisages it to be. We all rely a little on ‘expectations’ but most of us are able to appreciate that a) things can and do change and b) that we have to be adaptable when the unexpected occurs. For our babybear with PDA these concepts cause physical pain and severe emotional distress. I too, now reflectively notice, that I was in discomfort over my experience…it really hadn’t met my expectation. I’ll give this some context and hang my head in shame for typing the words, but mothers day wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. There. Let the guilt trip begin! (And if Daddybear ever reads these posts, please know that I recognise your efforts and am in no way blaming any particular event…and I love you for trying to help us hold it together so we could pretend it was picturesque). Bluntness from kids, who quite frankly have this year mastered the skill of selfishness, was a little soul destroying…
“Mum, here’s your card, it’s rubbish but that’s all there was” (it’s an old (er) lady (Mothers day) card!) and “We would have got you Forrero Roche but dad said £12 was too much, now can I go play on the play station?” Happy Mothers day to me, Happy Mothers day to me….
There were moments that I looked on at them in admiration of the little spirited creatures I’d helped to create but I mostly took deep breaths and wished for something a little closer to either the adverts you see on TV or the posts my perfect friends were sharing on FB! I was extremely glad that I’d chosen this year to book to take my Mum and my Sister for a couple of hours at the Spa as gifts to both of them and had therefore also needed to book myself in too. There were a few hours of bliss, which I purchased and organised for myself.
So there we go. Sulk over. But classic example of my (unrealistic) expectations setting me up to feel rubbish. And it sucked. And my boy feels that (or something close to it) numerous times a day over things we just overlook. He expects the cereal to look the same in the bowl as the day before and his sandwich filling to be the same texture and smell as the day before that and the socks to feel comfy, and the taxi to come on time and the journey to be without delays and the routine to not be interrupted and for everyone to do as they said they would and for life to be ‘just so’… and it’s just not… and for this very moment, I get just how much that hurts inside of him. I understand his tears and his frustrations and his outbursts. I get it.
The lightbulb comes on and I can see why it hurts so much to see him struggling to cope when things are out of his control. I too do not like this. I do not like seeing in him the very response I guess my inner-animal would like to unleash when I do not get my own way! My parents would be laughing at this.
In fact that goes part of the way for justifying how I feel about PDA. Sure I have comes to terms with the ASD diagnosis but I resent the PDA part most. It is about the furthest thing from my expectation of what being a mum would be like. No wonder I struggle. I’ve read blogs recently pulling apart parents who take the diagnosis and somehow ‘make it all about them’…I’ve pondered why this felt so uncomfortable? I guess, much like the point raised at the beginning, there is a chance that the very bold statements made by such bloggers could in fact irritate me perhaps because there are similarities I am uncomfortable exploring? Maybe I admire these writers? I’m generally quite good at staying upbeat but PDA really has become my topic to vent about so there’s a good chance that those sorts of blog posts are actually hitting a nerve reminding me of the mum I said I did not want to become (*pictures looking in a mirror).
However, I stand by my belief that we are allowed to feel and experience exactly whatever emotions we have at any given time and that to truly move through ‘it’, we have to first name it, explore it and accept it. We can be warriors if we like but must remember that language is powerful and sometimes we set ourselves up for the ‘fight’ or a ‘battle’ when instead it could be a ‘compromise’ or a ‘discussion’ etc.
I’m sure I share many other similarities with my son and his PDA characteristics; my desire for an ordered within ‘my control’ life jumps to the top of my mind! They are of course traits that many of us have, but those with PDA have them to the n’th degree. I wonder how many of you fellow parents of children with additional needs can identify with this? Do you notice the things they find difficult and feel uncomfortable as you too struggle with the very same thing?
If we can take these snippets of awareness and use them to channel a better level of understanding and empathy we may be able to connect on an improved level with them when they are in crisis/meltdown? I’m hoping to learn to stop myself when I realise my own frustrations about his negative behaviours and ask myself: Can I relate to what he is finding tough? How do I (or would I) behave when I experience this?
Modelling coping strategies has been successful in our house when trying to help pda’er to practice new skills. I always introduce anything ‘new’, as something that I wanted to try out for me. I’m thinking I need to speak out loud more often about things not meeting our expectations. I need to model just how those of us with (adult) rational capabilities can work through and overcome situations that do not meet out expectations. I also want to find examples where things exceed our expectations and model how this too can be comfortable and a pleasurable experience, as our little man struggles with this side of things too…. hmmm..Do I?
As ever, I will find my best bits from the day as I believe on focussing in on the bits that go well…
- The sun stayed out for another beautiful day
- Mummagrizzlybear managed a park trip with the urchins and did not lose her shit in public
- Feeling on top of the work diary / home life / appointments / meetings balance – hurrah… * pour yourself that glass of wine … you know from the bottle you purchased for yourself for mothers day!! Ha! Keep smiling…confuse the buggers.