Monday Monday… the house falls silent. I should be on my way to work but I’m basking in the ‘still’ in the calm and mellowing my own racing heart. I can feel my pout and furrowed brows etched on my face and I’m trying to relax. My resting bitch face appears all too often. Some people naturally look chipper when nothing else consumes them; not I! I have a face that says I’m mad even when i’m not. When sat in thought or idle boredom my face tells others to not cross me. It’s not intentional.
Mummagrizzly bear has the face that makes Bigger bruv ask ‘mummy are you sad’ or ‘why are you cross’… littlest bruv doesn’t detect this so well and of course probably assumes that any of the kick offs so far this morning could account for the bitch-face-look I pull off so well these days. I wonder if I wore it pre-diagnosis? Sure, things have been far harder in recent months but did my face ever resemble anything other than a knackered pissed off crazy lady? Possibly not since Littlest bruv was about 6 weeks old! Tough from the start he was. Now aged 7 and causing mayhem despite us reaching that pinicle moment of diagnosis in early January; as a family we are probably in more a state now than we’d ever been without a diagnosis.
Bigger bruv was grateful to get out the door early. A recent tactic employed by mummagrizzly bear in an attempt to save him from witnessing the battles we go through to get littlest bruv safely off to school in his taxi. So dutifully I text to arrange for Bigger bruv to call in on a mates on the way to school and therefore pack him off ahead of the storms. He’s already endured the breakfast battle and the teeth brushing battle and the ‘surrender your weapons’ battle (no I’m not letting littlest bruv go to school armed with daggers and swords no matter how ‘toy’ like they are!) So I’m pleased he’s out the way and sent off for his learning day relatively unscathed. I’m hoping now that I mustered a smile to crack the bitch face look as I waved him goodbye.
Littlest bruv is actually calmer with my undivided attention too and on this occasion gave in to a brief cuddle and a game of catch (ultimate distraction) as we awaited his taxi. Compliantly and calmly he’s set off today. I’ve learnt that this will have no significant bearing on how successful his day will turn out and think that’s why I find myself Sat wearing the resting bitch face contemplating my day. Mummagrizzlybear has lost her spark for her job since being off for over a month with Littlest bruv out of education. I’m back at work but either only in mind or body, never both together. I feel detached. Incomplete. Distracted by home and yet grateful to be momentarily distracted by work. Over thinking and yet not focussing at all. Feeling behind in all areas of my life. Suddenly the resting bitch face let’s out a therapeutic sigh and I’m reminded to find my 3 positives before I plod on with Mondays duties.
1) We’ve shared lovely parts of our weekend watching rugby with family with minimal meltdowns
2) Littlest bruv managed a whole day being cared for by my cousin meaning that there are opportunities to ask for help that work
3) Biggest bruv is newly motivated in a maths challenge at school and mummagrizzlybear loves an opportunity to play maths teacher
…Can I get away with another work from home?! Just read a quick blog that sums up why I feel so tired before my work day starts…