Forgive me an irrational ‘bedtime’ post…

Mummagrizzlybear don’t like him much;  the good night punch to the face kind of cements that fate really. I don’t really like a lot about our evenings to be fair and I’m pretty certain that doesn’t help any of us. 

Biggestbruv is tucked up but been out of bed 3 times to check I’m ok because the screaming from littlebruv scares  him into dreading the worst, so he’ll drift off to sleep reassured by only my fake smile. He shouts out only to get me in to the room to tell me he loves me and in the heat of everything else going on I’m shit and only tend to him for the briefest of moments which in silent calmer moments I’ll reflect over and promise myself i’ll find a way to make it up to him … something that fellow bloggers have touched on in posts such as
Meanwhile daddybear is doing the only thing he knows to work and that’s to lay with the pda’er until he reaches a level of calm despite my pleading for ‘us’ to ignore him given the violence and obscenities being hurled. Logically I know daddybear just wants peace to fall over the household and the sooner the better for all of us.. Irrationally, however, I’m angry that despite lashing out (& even though I accept that bedtime causes extreme anxiety and avoidance) he’s now being pandered to. Secondly I’m furiously concerned that neither of us know what we’re doing wrong, so I over-analyse our chosen tactics and fear that we’d be torn to shreds by any parenting expert. And thirdly all I keep wondering is how on earth are we supposed to determine if these new meds are helping?! What defines ‘things improving’?  

I’m tired and tomorrow is back to the dreaded school/work routine. Selfishly, I love my job, I love my ‘get out’ where I can put another hat on and focus on others. Well at least until recently I loved doing this. More recently this hasn’t been so straight forward for me and tonight I sit worried that my work- heart isn’t ticking the way it used to. Then there’s the school debacle. The taxi will come. He’ll either ‘compliantly go’ or with a fight; neither seems to influence whether or not he’ll have a good day and whilst I’m at work I’ll await a call from school or be distracted into researching something or other that might make things better. Amidst all of this I’ve another brave little man who will undoubtedly go off to school the conventional way trying his best to not be affected by whatever challenges are thrown into the mornings mix!

I started writing 2 hours ago. Since then I’ve taken my turn attending to the little monster who has gone through the  full range of emotions from full blown shitty and foul in his anger about bedtime to petrified and screeching in tears on hearing things that are not in his room. The only difference I’ve noted with the new meds is that the battle is a tiny bit shorter and there comes a point where he’s easier to reach out to and comfort… tonight he held my hand as I stood aside his bed reassuring him once more. And there it is… the most irrational part… with the tiniest sign of love and affection he’s forgiven, I’m mildly recharged and I’ve mustered the strength to keep going. I love him with all my heart and wish things could be different for so many hours a day…but in that moment… that very short few seconds I’d not change a thing, because those little connections with Roo are few and far between.

On his last ounce of strength he let out one more terrified scream and at my wits end I resorted to exactly the tactic (of daddybear) that drove  me potty only a couple hours earlier and so I scooped him up and I lay with him and with the help of meds and just a 2 hour battle he gives in to sleep… in my bed!

Upon reading it back I note I’ve already ventured into ‘whinging blogs’ which was not the intention, so without hesitation I force myself to recall 3 positives from the day (no matter how small) as these little glimmers remind me it’s not all doom n gloom!

☆3 positives of the day☆

1) Both boys enjoyed their rugby matches and we survived a family outing unscathed because at times we’re a frickin awesome team

2) Daddybear and I both said ‘yes’ to monopoly and for at least the first hour everybody enjoyed a technology free family game before an ‘erruption’ which was successfully navigated and overcome by a yummy chicken casserole (approved by all!)

3) Bags are packed, the ironing is done, the house is relatively orderly despite daddybear using every kitchen appliance and accessory to make homemade scotch eggs this evening… which are also yummy *but not slimming world friendly!


Author: mummagrizzlybear

I write for my own therapeutic release of the stresses we encounter as a family navigating the SEN world with Autism and PDA. I am passionate about reducing isolation and encouraging everyone to create a #virtualvillage of a support network so that nobody on this journey of parenting needs to feel alone or inadequate. You can comment on a blog, or drop me an email at or come and find me on facebook at … whatever you do, please do not feel alone.

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